MIN in the NorthYorkshire Dales
"Get thee agate, lass or
'll be headed for t' midden. Eee, by gum,
t' place is in a reet state," commented farmer Jacob Pickering on
hearing the news that the breakfast table would not be adorned with his
favourite Black Pudding and fried bread. Despite a government statement
that there were no shortages, supermarkets and local butchers are
reporting that panic buying started when supplies of the puddings dried
up after warehouse stocks were bought out by an unnamed source. As with
the fuel crisis, market forces are driving up prices as demand
outstrips supply. Tesco at Dewsbury reports that fighting had broken
out in the store aisles and little old ladies were being mugged on the
pavement after leaving the premises with their provisions.
The militant group The Tykes of
Brighouse, a subdivision of The
Sons of Glendower and believed to be responsible for the
firebombing of a wine-bottling and corking factory in GAWSTHORP, issued
a bleak warning that the violence will escalate and the streets will be
running with blood if the government doesn't take steps to deal with
spokesman for Downing Street said that the P.M. was calling for people
to remain calm and, as soon as he had finished his muesli, measures
would be taken to sort out the problem prudently.
As if the Black Pudding issue was not bad enough fish markets in the
ports of Hull and Whitby have been hit by a total buyout of all North
Sea catches over the last few days. Fishmongers and store buyers have
been faced with empty dockside trays because of Internet buying before
the fish have reached harbour, the loads being removed by unmarked
refrigerated vans. Is the end in sight for Fishcakes and Scollops? your
intrepid news sleuth asks herself. Does this mean Dover Sole &
grilled Turbot will be the only alternative? Dark thoughts indeed!
Yet another problem to surface a bit nearer to home is the emergency
millions of commas, full stops, semi-colons, and question marks by the
Royal Bank of Print Punctuation
to offset a shortage in these printing necessities
amid rumours that raconteur E.T. Ditchley, known associate of The Demon
Brewer, had been adding to his vast private collection stored in
disused lead mines in the Perkins Beach area of Shropshire. Poet Rog
(Lord) Lucan, famed for his ode to Rooley Moor which has had more hits
on the truly awesome Nodial
Forum than all other topics added together
due to the action group Save our
Cotton Famine Road paying numerous
visits to the site, commented that the steps taken by the R.B.P. (also
known as the "Print’) were
just in the nick of time. What is a poem
without the required punctuation marks - just a load of words strung
together. Wordsworth and Masefield would be spinning in their graves.
Though not one to gossip I learned in an over-the-garden conversation
that world acclaimed music impresario Fran Elmcroft, who had forsaken
the dark satanic mills of the Colne Valley and spurned the razamataz of
the capital city for the gold-paved streets of Birkenhead, is planning
to start producing again. After 5 years in the wilderness (not the one
in Perkins Beach!) he hopes to recapture the limelight in which he
bathed following the release of the Nodial smash hit Wilya,Wilya,Wolya
which was recorded in seventeen languages and outsold megagroup Pink
Floyd's greatest hit Dark Side Of
The Moon. Speaking from his posh abode
in Higher Tranmere he commented that the industry was ripe for more
originality as the rubbish produced these days all sounded alike....
A breath of fresh air in a
smog of banality says I.
Dateline: 1 July
- Dramatic Developments
Shocked residents of the Dales woke up to find that a Royal
had been stopped and robbed in the early hours of the morning as they
slept in their beds. Details of the raid are slowly
emerging as police and rail officials piece
together what happened.
Comparisons to the
great train robbery of 1963 are being made. Senior police Detective
Inspector Arnold Braithewaite would not comment but to say "My name’s
Arnold Braithewaite, lad, and this is a professional job. These
villains are not your run of the mill petty crooks."
The few passengers on the train, which was travelling on
the Great Western
main line out of Lancaster - crossing through the North Yorkshire moors
via Sedburg, Dent and Skipton to Leeds and thence to London - became
aware of something wrong when the train stopped between Little
Stainforth and Stackhouse. One said "There were people running about on
the track and I noticed two or three vehicles parked on the road by the
track. A gang of armed men wearing pumpkin head balaclavas boarded the
coaches and proceeded to bind and gag us".
It transpires that the driver was waved down by what he took to be a
bunch a gypos chasing some loose horses along the track. As the train
slowed a large sawn-off shotgun blew the lock of the door to pieces and
was then pointed at his head. He only received slight cuts. Unlike the
1963 robbery, money was not the target - they were only interested in
the Royal Bank of Print Punctuation
bags in the parcel section of the train. This
will be a big setback as the punctuation marks had only just been
minted and were in pristine condition the effect on the
can only be guessed at. It's a disaster. Shares in the commodity look
certain to rocket in value as do any stocks held by collectors.
The lonely P.C. guarding the gateway muttered "it was cleverly planned.
No copper would pull up two or three caravans and trucks full of
gypsies even at that time of night – it’s too much trouble."
So who was the brains behind the heist? The police are baffled; with no
clues to follow. Will Detective Inspector Arnold Braithewaite come up
with the answers? - we must wait and see.
by Matahari Min
Dateline: 2 July
Citizens of York woke this morning to find
the Gothic cathedral dating
back to 1338, and the largest of its type in Europe, adorned with a
huge Black Pudding blimp. The Archbishop and The Dean of York hurried
to the scene to check for any damage to the historical monument and
condemned the persons who had carried out the attack as hooligans and
scallywags. It is rumoured that Detective Inspector Arnold
Braithewaithe and his team of CSI experts will be arriving soon to
conduct a thorough investigation of the crime scene.
As yet no group has claimed responsibility for the act
though sources in the town
hall suggest it has the stamp of the
Tykes of Brighouse
about it. Council leaders and the Mayor Ethan Skellingthorpe were said
to be hopping mad and hoped that the perpetrators were quickly bought
to book. "Horse whipping and a good thrashing is what these criminals
deserve", the Hon. Skellingthorpe fulminated, "none of your kid gloves
and counselling - a flick of the lash on their backs will bring them
into line -" At that point the microphone was turned off and the Mayor
bungled out of sight, inside the Town Hall.
Arriving at the scene, D. I. Braithwaithe issued a short statement to
assembled press which read:
“My name is Arnold Braithewaithe, Lad, and me and my team will soon run
these rogues to ground. There's nowhere for them to hide. We are
determined to seek them out.”
Several structural engineers were turning up to assess any damage to
towers and battlements.
As we were leaving a onlooker in the crowd was heard to mutter "there's
nowt queerer than folk!"
Matahari Min in York