mega

Dateline: June 16

Missing Millionaire Gatecrashes Hats Bash
by Matahari MIN

The worldwide hunt for Roger (Lord) Lucan was dramatically ended on Sunday by the sudden appearance of the missing millionaire at a party being held for one of the really, really ancients - Hat. Looking a little bedraggled and sporting a few days stubble he seemed none the worse after his mysterious disappearance a few weeks ago.

When questioned about his whereabouts he shrugged his shoulders and replied that he was unable to enlighten anybody yet as contracts for the epic story were being negotiated with several publishers and a number of newspapers, including The Ballymena Gazzette, The Biddulph Chronicle, The Cheshunt and Waltham Mercury, and The Accrington Observer & Herald.

Having a chuckle to himself over the rumours that were circulating about being under the veggie patch he retorted that there where no spuds growing on him.Whilst still stunned by this revelation the assembled guests were delivered the Knockout blow by Hat who announced that she would have to leave early on account of having several buses to catch so as not to waste any valuable buspass time.

16 June: Latest Reports

DASTARDLY PLOT FOILED

FATMAN STRIKES AGAIN

Eliot Nodialness and his Untouchables uncover plot to impregnate world supplies of fine wines and spirits with the lethal Curse of the Damson and Pineapple wine brewed by the evil Fatman. Police authorities acted quickly as units raced to prevent the contaminated bottles being sold to the unsuspecting public. Key retail outlets all around the country had been targeted; all major airports and ferry terminal officials warned to be on their guard for any shipments that appeared to have suffered interference.

As news of the conspiracy reached the financial sector fears of a collapse in share prices and possible ruin for some of the companies affected were expressed. As the plot was exposed in its early stages the a Federal spokesman issued a short statement hoping that a dire outcome had been averted, and implored the population of imbibers to remain calm but vigilant at all times.

Nodialness was tightlipped about the operation as rumours of another inside tip off for Fatman circulated among the press contingency. The Demonic brewer had once again thwarted attempts to capture him and it is widely believed that he has holed up in one of his numerous safe houses.

Mr Nodialness confirmed that significant quantities of the toxic brews had been removed for forensic examination by the labs at Quantico to try and locate the source of the base materials. It’s early days yet, he said, but he was hoping for a result very soon.

Pictures from various scenes by Matahari MIN.

Police Race to Shops

Police evacuate city store

Panicked Shoppers flee Woolworths

Queues at a downtown wine store

BREAKING NEWS:

Matahari MIN scoops FEDS

Your ace reporter following up a anonymous phone call rushed to a downtown monitoring centre and was able to obtain a photo believed to be a heavily disguised Demon Brewer blazonly striding around despite being branded as Public Enemy No 1.

Where was Eliot Nodialness? people asked. How can this felon walk the streets with impunity? Is bribery and corruption rife in the police department??

We need ANSWERS and ACTION Mr Nodialness !!

STOP PRESS NEWS:
Dateline: June 28

FATMAN'S LATEST BOLT HOLE DISCOVERED

MATAHARI MIN in the NorthYorkshire Dales

An alleged "supergrass" has revealed to our ace reporter that the Demonic Brewer has holed up in a castle on the outskirts of Sedbergh, in a rambling castle complex called DENTLITZ, believed to have been used to house German and other POW's during the last war.

The castle was put into operational use in the wake of the demise of the Butlitz camps and decommissioned when the East/West divide started to crumble. It is now a playground for the rich and famous - despite its grim history of torture and death.

As yet no firm sightings have surfaced but your No. 1 newshound is hot on the scent.

Latest RSS Satellite Podcast from M.M.:

Rumours abound in the hills and dales of North Yorkshire as reports of celebrity sightings around Dentilitz mount up. Spotted two days ago in a local Sainburys the Master Cor du Blue chef Frau Kaiseress Unt Pidlington and Entrepeneur Baron Reichskanzler Von Nodial; and seen driving away from the Su Yung Chow take-away yesterday Herr Obergruppen David Rosenburger, accompanied by the inseparable pair, dastardly E.T. Ditchley and T. (Winemeister) Walnut.

There are whisperings of a plan by the Demon Brewer Fatman to undermine the Dales staple diet of beef and two veg washed, down with a good old pint of Theakstons Best Bitter, by opening a chain of bistros - dishing up low cost Pasta with salad, Lasange with pomme frittes, Frankfurters und pomme mashe, and Lamb slowly roasted in a damson based wine with saurkraut dressing. Wine and cheese nights to be organised instead of the usual fish and chip suppers, and the introduction of specialised teas by Twinings to replace Tetleys and Luptons brands.

The Yorkshire Tourist Board has been inundated with calls from worried pubs and restaurant owners asking how they intend to deal with the threat to their businesses; local wine outlets feared a flood onto the home markets of Fatman brands, which the Polish immigrant population might mistakenly believe are genuine consumer items.

No pictures of the alleged group meeting have yet surfaced, but press reporters are making their way to the north to seek answers to some of the questions being raised. The authorities are strangely silent, as are Nodialness and the Untouchables.